Skimming

“Adventure is out there!” Ellie from UP knows best. Opportunities really are endless. Your first option may not pan out, but there’s always tomorrow and another chance. One door closes, another opens. Or there’s a window. A ventilation shaft. A fireman pole. Magic Wardrobe. Ramp. Escalator. Whatever! Just move. Go with it.

I can try to plan my future, set myself up for success. But then comes the curveball. Didn’t see that coming.

I struggle with being indecisive. I think. Ok, I know that. It’s a fact. I’m always worried that I’ll miss out on something great by making a decision too soon. But what if…? Timidity needs to be flung away in the breeze. Apparently, if you’re going to mess up, you should do it at 100mph. That’s what I learned today. Crash through walls like you’re Mr. Koolaid. Forget doors then. Just go.

I think I need to stop micro-managing my life. Yeah, it’s great to have some semblance of a plan, but I can’t be clinging to it with a death grip. I need to loosen my grasp, my desire for control. Let’s face it, I’m not really in control. However, I’m confident God is. And I know His plan is best for me. So I will continue my walk and follow His leading. That may sound really ambiguous, very undefined. I believe that opportunities present themselves for a reason. If one falls through, there’s a reason. Whether that’s because I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the best for me, or something greater is yet to come, I’ll have to figure that out.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not doing it for me. My dreams are very selfishly motivated. My world revolves around me. It’s really easy to fall into that trap living on my own, away from people I care about. Me, me, me. I don’t want to do it for me. This argument barely skims the surface of a battle that wages war daily inside of me. I want my talents to be used for more than that. I will never be satisfied if my goal is self-gratification. I’ll always want more. So my current ambition is to not steamroll people and places in my path. I’m not burning bridges. I’ll get there. All I have is time.

I’m letting go of the life I’ve lived for me and my dreams. I’m losing control of my destiny. Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe.

–Francesca Battistelli

 

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