Worries Fade

So life has been throwing some curveballs. I’ve really had to sit back and make a concerted effort to not break down.

I got the job that I wanted. I’m so excited to start fresh in a new city, doing what I want to be doing. I know that I’ll be working hard, but it will be worth it.

Finding a place to live has been difficult. While I was in the waiting phase–the figuring out whether or not I got the job phase–I did some searching. Very little to be found. Apparently everybody wants to be in Traverse City. Even the apartment complex workers are shocked at how full they are and lamented to tell me they had a waitlist three-pages long. Once I got the job and actually had a legitimate need for an apartment, I started making calls. Still no openings. I found three places that I wanted to check and arranged a time to head up north. They each told me they thought their units would be rented out by the time I was available to meet. And they were.

So as I sat at my desk the night before I was supposed to go look into those apartments I got frustrated. I really had no other options. I refreshed my Craigslist feed and a new listing popped up. It was a cute one-room apartment right in town. I pounced on it. I replied to the listing saying I’m interested and will be in town tomorrow to see it. The guy called me about five minutes later, we set up a time. Boom. So I was feeling good about that. It felt like it was meant to be. I spent the night pouring over those four pictures and re-reading the posting.

I had a hard time sleeping. Lots of thoughts and worries were clogging up my mind. I’ve been reading through Nehemiah and my devotional was giving me some good advice.

“There comes a point, with a prayer and pure motives, where we just begin the good work. In spite of the seemingly insurmountable, the mockery and ridicule, He will give us success. Just begin the good work.”

I realized that I needed to stop worrying. Stop thinking about it. I was going to wake up in the morning and begin the good work. Do something. There was nothing to do at that moment other than sleep. So I did. I recalled what my past post was all about–remembering God’s goodness and presence is previous troubles, and knowing that the same God is carrying me through my current ones.

When I woke up, the anxieties all came back. I had forgotten how much of a process it is to reject those worries. To tell them they have no claim on my time. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I really wanted to bypass the next five hours and just be up in Traverse City, signing my name on an apartment lease. No such luck.

My mom and I stopped at an apartment complex in TC. They had nothing available. Shocker. The lady was really nice and called a bunch of other places. No dice. So we met up with the guy with the cute one-room apartment. I really liked the place. We spent a good half hour with him asking questions, finding out more information. Meanwhile, the kids are running around touching every possible surface of the apartment. The landlord told us he had already shown the place to about five people. As we left, there were two more in line. While I was filling out the application in my car, another person went inside. I went back, handed him my application, stressing that I’m very interested, but I was starting to feel weighed down again. This was now a competition. There were a bunch of other people that wanted the same place. How could I convince him that I am the right person to rent to?

We drove around to more places. Found nothing. We started to just drive around residential areas hoping to see a sign in someone’s yard… Like that was going to happen.

So my mood and energy were swiftly deteriorating. My goal for that trip was to not leave TC until I had a new home. I even packed a couple bags that I could leave in said home. But that definitely wasn’t happening. My attitude kept reverting to the fed-up, mad at the world feeling. I just wanted a little good luck. I needed to catch a break. Helpless.

I got a straight to voicemail message from the landlord in the morning, saying he wanted to talk about the apartment for rent. I calmly ate my breakfast, then made the phone call. He and his wife had narrowed it down to about five people, but had selected me–if I still wanted the place, it was mine. Yes. Yes, I do. I really, really, really do. I could have jumped up and down, sung, danced…. you get the picture.

This post is getting very long, and unavoidably boring. Sorry. Story of my life.

The good news is that I have a home. I have a job. My stuff will get up there… eventually. I’m not going to worry about it.

This song has honestly been on replay for the past week or so. It reminds me every time that I don’t need to have everything figured out. I just need to trust in God and focus on Him. I don’t typically include a whole song’s lyrics at the end of my posts, but I’m going to. Because they’re that good. Enjoy!

I’ve had all these plans piled up sky high, A thousand dreams on hold And I don’t know why, I got a front row seat To the longest wait And I just can’t see Past the things I pray Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don’t look around
Any place I’m in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand, On this narrow road, Is in a raging storm, Or a valley low, But oh…

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don’t look around
Any place I’m in
Grows strangely dim

I don’t know, I don’t know, What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know, That You’re holding it all
So no matter what may come…

I’m gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
‘Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I’m gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I’m in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

–Francesca Battistelli “Strangely Dim”

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